Kobold Domain Patch Notes
/* By Christopher Mark Rose */
/* Revision 188.8.131.52
/* Fixed: kobolds keep getting stuck in trees.
/* Fixed: decapitated skeletons wearing lizard heads.
/* Fixed: all the statues are of vampires.
/* Fixed: all the mayors are statues.
OMG, the players of this game are intense! Why are they after me all the time, fix this, fix that, every day of the year?
Most of them probably don't know that Roy is dead now. For the record, Roy is my dad. Was my dad. But they think I'm him. From the bug reporting interface, it looks just the same.
Roy kept the whole thing together with just chewing gum and a dream. He hadn't been keeping up on the maintenance of his game for a long time now. He wasn't doing too well, health-wise. Eventually his hands swelled up and he couldn't type.
It's going to take me forever to knock all these bug reports down.
/* Revision 184.108.40.206
/* Fixed: kobold pee becomes persistent river after a kobold party.
/* Fixed: bison eating all the jewels.
/* Fixed: dwarves turning to stone whenever dropped in water.
/* Fixed: elf pants walking without elves in them.
/* Fixed: bison eating all the tools.
/* Fixed: bison eating all the elephants.
Do we really need all these bison?
How can this be art? Roy said this all the time, that Kobold Domain is Art, "Art with a capital A." He always said that, but really it's not like real life at all. Nothing does the thing it's supposed to do, or just that thing. There's all these unintended effects. Like, why if you hit a wyvern with a hammer do you make more wyverns? Why are there crumpets at the bottom of the sea? Why do drunken kobolds always lead you to ponies?
But players love it, Zotz only knows why. It's like the players enjoy these screwups more than the actual game.
But "Art?" I severely doubt it.
Also P.S. I met a girl.
/* Revision 220.127.116.11
/* Fixed: boars can eat infinite gold coins with no ill effects.
/* Fixed: kobolds changing name, gender, color whenever going under bridges.
/* Fixed: babies joining groups for adventures.
Half the stuff I see I just can’t believe Roy programmed by accident.
Maybe these aren't bugs—what would you even think if you saw this stuff in real life? Real life is boring by comparison. Believe me.
/* Revision 18.104.22.168
/* Fixed: serpent men always dancing a jig.
/* Fixed: prevented aerial births.
/* Fixed: oxcarts keep running away without any oxen.
/* Fixed: cat family can adopt a kobold.
/* Fixed: green kobolds eating "greenberries" then turn blue.
/* Fixed: phantom cheerleader sleeps on roof of house, makes friends with zombie chickens.
Oh, those cute little kobolds, with their fuzzy little toes!
I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't for the money. (The money's pretty good though. I bought some new clothes, finally. And hey, I joined a gym!) Like, I can't believe Kobold Domain is so popular; why is that?
There's so much more I could be doing, if I wasn't fixing purple kobolds and zombie chickens. Augh! Roy, why did you do this to me?
Some feedback from users not happy about all the changes/bug fixes. They complain about the bugs, they complain about the fixes. It's like they just need someone to talk to about kobolds.
P.S. Had dinner with that girl Audra last night. Rocko-mondo-cha-cha!
/* Revision 22.214.171.124
/* Fixed: kobold leader obsessed with colorful snacks.
/* Fixed: yaks are all reading Chaucer in the library.
/* Fixed: bagpipes playing without players.
/* Fixed: all the sandwiches are flying south (there's supposed to be a sandwich that gets picked up by a bird somewhere but I can't find it.)
I miss my dad. I remember sitting on the carpet, next to him, he'd be laying on his belly and coding on his laptop (that horrible hokey machine!) or later, watching him in the office, when we got one, after dinner. Other kids my age would be blasting away on Duke Nukem or whatever. I learned things from Dad, and not just about programming. He was willing to take the time to explain things. I wish I had someone to do that now.
/* Revision 126.96.36.199
/* Fixed: red kobolds getting blue kobolds stuck in their noses.
/* Fixed: bagpipes playing without bagpipe players.
/* Deferred: re-baseline all the food.
/* Fixed: anachronistic items removed from trading post:
- water wings
- waffle irons
- disco balls
- "light sabers"
- LED bikinis
- jet skis
- robotic pets
I just want all these stupid yaks and sandwiches and thief-cats and zombie chickens to act like they're supposed to! Why are there so many options?!!
I’m writing this here because you’re so obsessed with this game, and I wanted to know that you would read it. You'd fallen asleep on the living room floor (again), the laptop open beside you.
Maybe your father was right. Maybe these things aren’t bugs. Maybe they’re just the way things are in the world he imagined. Maybe they’re magical, like the kobolds themselves.
Maybe it is all Art, or maybe it’s just a way to make new friends, or to build a clubhouse or castle or find a tribe of your own, or all of these things, whatever! Leave the vampire statues. Let the sandwiches fly south. Let the bison eat everything. Set the oxcarts free. Be awake for me.
/* Reverting head revision to earlier revision 188.8.131.52.